Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
