The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
