When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
