"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
