Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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