Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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