Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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