I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
