wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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