This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
