I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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