My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my shit smells like andre
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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