How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
