Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
