I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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