OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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