A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
