I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Text me some of your sweat
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