Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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