I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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