So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
