I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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