I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
