He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
