Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
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