New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
