How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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