you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
