did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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