I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
