I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My balls are so social today.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
