Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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