if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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