He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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