rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
