and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
