she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
