I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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