my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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