How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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