I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
