I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
