Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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