I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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