Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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