I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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