I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
