I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
