Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My liver just had a heart attack.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
