My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
