i would punch a child for taco bell
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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