Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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