I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
