It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize