either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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