Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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