The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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