He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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