woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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