i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize