I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
