The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
