life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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