hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
