Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
my liver is dry heaving
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
