my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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